Leadership Lessons from Good Inside
Melanie Dunea / Harper Collins
Dr. Becky Kennedy, known the world over as Dr. Becky, a clinical psychologist and author of the #1 New York Times Best Selling book Good Inside, was recently on the What Now? With Trevor Noah podcast discussing her work. While the discussion centers on parenting, I found some striking similarities between Dr. Becky’s guidance and how leaders should show up for their employees every day.
1. “Your kid is a good kid having a hard time.”
In this discussion, Dr. Becky outlines how easy, and dangerous, it is to associate your child’s behavior with who they are. She encourages parents to stay focused on the fact that “your kid is a good kid having a hard time” instead of maligning them as a “bad kid”. It focuses on giving kids the benefit of the doubt and makes it easier to address the behavior individually instead of feeling overwhelmed by the issue.
This is the same in leadership situations. How many of you have heard a leader say “well they’re just a bad employee” or “they’re just a slacker” when discussing a “difficult employee”? It’s easy to generalize employee behavior and get frustrated when expectations aren’t met, but it’s important to remember that one instance doesn’t make a bad employee. When we give our employees the benefit of the doubt in a situation, we show up with a lot more empathy, an open mind, and a more calm attitude that makes for better problem solving. If we start with “my employee is a good employee having a hard time”, we are able to ask questions and be curious, instead of accusatory, about what happened which leads us to the second major lesson…
2. Collapse of Curiosity
If we start from “my kid is a good kid having a hard time” it naturally leads us into questions about why my good kid is acting the way they are. It triggers a discussion and a learning mindset to help understand why the child is acting out the way they are so you can treat the real problem, not just the tantrum. Interestingly enough, Dr. Becky specifically cites a work example to demonstrate this. She says that if Trevor, the podcast host, was late that day for his podcast taping, but he’s not usually late, she would ask “Why today? I wonder what’s going on.” Illustrating how to show up with this curiosity to investigate the situation and understand the reasons for something instead of starting from a place of discipline or blame.
In my experience, only the best leaders do this. If we don’t attempt to understand employee behavior this can lead to the rapid deterioration of relationships, negative assumptions, and the waste of some really incredible talent. As leaders, we need to ask WHY significantly more often than we do. If you think you do this enough, I encourage you to ask it at least three more times a day. It is such a powerful question. You can understand the motivation behind certain actions, spot gaps in understanding, and uncover issues that you may not even be aware of, all with one word. It’s magic.
3. Importance of Repair
The last major concept I feel is not discussed enough in leadership is the importance of repair. Repair is the process of making things right with someone after a wrong has occurred or trust has been broken. Dr. Becky unpacks how critical it is for parents to know that they are not perfect, they will mess up, but that the most important piece is not perfection, it’s admitting when you’re wrong and mending the situation.
The exact same goes for leaders. As a leader, you will make mistakes. You may miss something in QA, snap at an employee, or miss a client meeting. We never want this to happen, but when it does it is critical that you OWN IT. Take responsibility for the error you missed, apologize to your team, admit when you’re wrong. When employees see their leaders taking ownership over their mistakes, it strengthens the trust employees have in their manager. It’s important to remember that, as in parenting, you have to really mean it when you make the repair; you can’t just deliver platitudes and assume everyone will forgive you. But if you take stock and really focus on mending relationships with your teams (or clients) you can build a trust even stronger than before.
Leadership, like parenting, can be incredibly hard, and you will not always succeed. The best leaders accept their fallibility and are always working to improve how they show up for their teams. You’re allowed to fail as long as you learn and keep striving to be better next time. Remember that sometimes you’re a good manager just having a hard time, and that’s okay. You’ve got this.
There are many more lessons throughout this insightful conversation, and I encourage you, even if you don’t have kids, to listen to the whole podcast.
YouTube link: http://youtube.com/watch?v=8IWUaRf4aQY
Timestamps for the highlighted lessons:
Good kid having a hard time (9:57)
Collapse of curiosity (12:42)
Importance of Repair (1:10:11)